space between the breath

I come to this place in a different mindset than the first time. I almost feel I shouldn't be writing on an online blog right, as if it is sacrilegious or something, but typing is coming easier than pen on paper.

I just finished my home asana practice. I have been experiencing a lot of physical discomfort as a result of my lack of practice, so yesterday and today I got back on the right track. Its amazing how, after a proper practice, my back can feel practically healed.

I am in a bit of a haze. At the end of practice, I did not lead myself through a guided meditation, because honestly, I already felt quiet inside. I noticed that my breath felt nonessential - I found myself neither inhaling nor exhaling for seemingly minutes at a time. My mind was silent and body calm. It was a challenge to bring myself to open my eyes. Perhaps I should have sat a bit longer, but I felt ready to absorb something, and so pulled out my copy of Meditations from the Mat by Rolf Gates, and flipped to the last read page.

"Love is not a thought, it is an action. And each loving action that we take infuses us with more energy for loving action in the future."

Love is essentially what is missing right now. I have become so isolated and self-involved. As a result of not demonstrating love, I've lost all energy to do so. I've forgotten what it feels like to impart love to others.

Teaching was formerly my way of stepping outside of my ego and demonstrating the most pure form of love I know. I've been avoiding teaching for reasons that the ego impresses upon me. Pressure to be a "good" teacher. Feelings of inadequacy, and inability to make others feel what I want them to feel. These are the wrong reasons to withdraw from teaching. I need to get back to the pure demonstration of love it once was.

If teaching isn't currently where I can find this outlet, I need to seek something else. Perhaps when I start providing therapy, I will begin to feel loving again. I have been dreading the start of therapy because of, once again, worries of inadequacy. I'd like to shift my perspective, so that I view it as a way to demonstrate my love for another human being, regardless of whether I am yet skilled at it. Ultimately, this is what makes the best therapist, not necessarily their formulated techniques.

I haven't left my apartment in three days. This isn't healthy.