feel sorry for me

I've been eating primarily cake and drinking primarily wine for the last 24 hours. I feel as if I've fallen into a pit of "I deserve this" because of how miserable I've been the last week.

Without going through the details (again - I've talked about this waaaay too much) I will say that I absolutely hate my practicum placement and I want to die every time I have to go there. I have not had this dramatic an aversion to something .... hmm... ever???

As one can imagine, hating this so much has made me very anxious about whether I will actually enjoy what I've thought I would enjoy all along (a medical placement) or not. Because if I don't. Fuck. Debt. And no functional career skills besides, I don't know, working at a desk at a yoga studio. And teaching yoga. I mean, I could just accept that as being my "path" if it turns out I really don't like speech-language pathology, but my practical perspective will be goddamnithowdidyougosowrong?!

Everyone I've talked to who, to be fair, would actually know, has said that I will definitely like it and that this does not mean that I will hate all speech pathology... however, being the planner that I am, I absolutely can't stand the thought of being utterly lost when I graduate in May.

I am truly depressed. Feeling trapped, isolated, hopeless, etc. I recognize that some remedies for this are:

-yoga/meditation
-commiseration - I actually think I need to hang out with my classmates more
-adequate preparation for my placement, as opposed to freaking out and then being uprepared, leading to more freaking out and unpleasantness

The thought has occurred to me that being the unofficial manager (reflected in both my title - I don't have one, although "desk bitch" comes to mind - and in compensation - I don't get paid nearly enough) of the yoga studio is compounding my struggles with school. Even though I am not recognized like I should be, I do get pleasure out of my job there, and I get paid, instead of paying for it like school, and if I were a weaker individual I'd quit school and just manage the studio forever.

I am SO ENVIOUS of the people who - with all due respect - are in noncommittal places in their life, because I feel so locked in. There are so many people around me that are in these transitional stages of life (no one tells you that college isn't actually the end of all that coming of age stuff) and I want desperately to be working through uncertainty with the freedom to drink and stay up late and go on hikes and camp and spend money on irresponsible things.

Even my relationship with my boyfriend is fucking work... and I'm realizing that thinking that his moving here will make it feel like a more "real" relationship, and that I'll at least get more of a balance of the good with the bad then I do now, is a joke.

**Disclaimer** My life is really pretty damned good. I am privileged enough to be working towards a masters, and have a lot of freedoms that many will never experience in their lifetime. I will most likely wake up a week from now praising life and all its glory.

But right now, feel sorry for me.